by Lori Milner
What will it take to create your ideal average day? Notice I didn’t say your ideal day because that Resilience is hard-wired into us; it comes standard. It's not an extra you have to pay more for. Even though it's part of you, it can only be activated by choice. Not all situations are created equally, so I categorise resilience into Big R and Small r resilience. Big R resilience are those events that truly challenge us and can result from tragedy, unexpected change or loss.Then there is small r resilience, the daily speed bumps like having a difficult conversation, being let down, or not getting a great performance review. No matter how small it feels, it is real for you and does result in disappointment. Not all situations require the same level of resilience, but the small ones are as important to navigate as the big ones.
Here are six habits to develop so you can navigate any situation that arises with grace, gratitude and courage:
Manage your thoughts.
Habitual patterns of thinking create habitual emotions. Author Tony Robbins says we all have a primary question that we focus on. It is not a conscious question but acts like a rudder steering our thoughts' direction.
I have a client who started a new relationship, and despite everything going well, she was sad and anxious. Her primary question was, 'When will it end?'. How do you enjoy anything when focusing on loss and expecting the worst?
We then shifted her primary question to 'How can I be even more grateful for the wonderful relationship in my life?'.
Another client built up so much anxiety every Sunday night about work because his primary question was, 'What if I don't complete everything and let the team down?'. Before the week even began, he was worried about failure and disappointment.
To interrupt the pattern of dread, his question shifted to 'How can I be a contribution to my team this week?'. It was no longer about him having to be perfect but how he added value in whatever form was required.
When facing a setback, consider what empowering primary question can direct you through it. Some ideas are:
What can I be grateful for today?
What can I learn from this?
What is this here to teach me?
How can I be even more present and grateful today?
How can I be kind to myself today?
Embrace connection.
Feelings of helplessness take over when we are alone, but when we can share and talk, the feelings have far less power because other people can help you make sense of them when you can't.
I can't tell you how many clients feel they need to solve the situation before they can reach out to others. Behind this behaviour is the fear of burdening others or placing pressure on themselves that they should be able to manage alone.
It is impossible to remain resilient when you think it must be done in solitude. If you resonate with this, it's time to drop those beliefs and embrace reaching out to those you trust.
What would you tell your next friend to do if they felt stuck and hopeless about a situation? When you tell them to suck it up and sort it out, or would you encourage them to call you so you can be a support even if you can't solve it for them.
The truth is there is seldom advice we can give to make something better immediately; it is holding space for the person and letting them know that they aren't alone, which allows them to move through it.
The next time you face a big or small r situation – call someone to share what's happening so you never need to deal with it alone.
Cultivate a kind mind.
To cultivate resilience, you need to develop the habit of a kind mind – a kind mind means self-compassion, self-forgiveness and self-acceptance.
Rather than a critical and vicious inner critic, can you adopt a learning mindset? Accept the situation and the role you played in creating it, and from this place, ask yourself what you learned and how you could have done it differently, knowing what you do now.
Practice self-compassion for your younger self, who did their best with the resources available at the time. If you can see the situation as your greatest teacher and see how it set you up for today, you can embrace self-forgiveness and self-acceptance.
Adopting a kind mind means you no longer need to jump through hoops to earn your own kindness. A wonderful journaling exercise is to write down the following:
Seven things you're proud of yourself for
Seven things you commit to yourself
Seven Things You Forgive Yourself for
Once you have journaled these prompts, you can take it to the next level and say it to yourself in the mirror. It is not easy but incredibly healing and the way to move forward without guilt, shame or criticism.
Practice Self-remembering.
It's counterintuitive, but you tend to remove yourself from your calendar in tough times because you feel too stressed to exercise or make time for yourself.
Resilience is energy management; how can you show up to the hard times when your energy tank is in a deficit?
No matter what is happening, practice the habit of self-remembering. What must you incorporate into your calendar to manage stress, especially your anxiety or inner critic?
Emotion is created by motion; the more under pressure you feel, the more you should use your body to shift it. You can change your mood by your breathing or movement.
Music is another wonderful tool to shift your state from overwhelm to calm confidence.
Self-remembering includes recharging throughout the day by taking breaks to get water, a snack, or even walk outside. Resilience is about a recovery mindset, not pushing yourself even harder to the point of exhaustion.
No matter what situation has arisen, even if you were the cause, self-remembering will serve you more than self-punishing.
Master the art of discomfort.
The more you can comfortably sit in discomfort, the more resilient you will become. Often, we become attached to our bad habits because they are certain, and we know what to expect even if it doesn't serve us.
The more you can be okay with discomfort and not knowing what will come next but continue to take incremental steps forward, the more you will navigate the situation with inner strength.
The best way to practice discomfort is what I call a comfort challenge. What is a safe way to practice discomfort so you are ready for it when the real challenge arises? Imagine if you fear flying on an aeroplane and you go to a simulation to experience turbulence so you can practice the response.
When you fly on a real plane and have turbulence, you know what to expect, and you are better prepared mentally, emotionally and physically.
Some comfort challenges include meditation, trying a new hobby or sport, applying for a new role or taking on a stretch project.
I have a client who wants to step into a thought leadership role but is holding back for fear of his work being rejected. A comfort challenge is for him to publish on a broader website like medium.com to practice the art of shipping his work without attachment to the outcome.
He needs to move into the courage zone of not getting any comments or, even worse, a negative one. Through this experience, he has done the hardest part, allowing himself to be seen and value his unique work despite external approval or validation.
The ultimate lesson of the comfort challenge is to be comfortable with being seen. Where do you need more resilience to put yourself into the spotlight if you've always told yourself you enjoy hiding behind the scenes?
Create a compelling future vision.
It's hard to develop resilience if you feel a situation is permanent; the way forward is to create a compelling future vision, so you have something to move towards and look forward to.
If you've been through a difficult breakup, can you visualise yourself in a loving, committed relationship a year from now? If that feels too hard, what can you plan in the immediate future, like a trip or a course you have always wanted to take?
It can be as simple as calling a friend and setting up a dinner to reconnect – something that breaks the belief that you have nothing to look forward to.
Creating a compelling future reminds you that any speed bump you face is on the journey to your ultimate destination. It isn't the end of the road; it's a detour, a temporary roadblock or even a new beginning.
Final thoughts.
Resilience is a process of continual growth. Every situation is an opportunity to show resilience, and the way to judge your growth is how long it takes you to recover.
Perhaps it took you a few weeks to regain yourself, but now it's a matter of days or even a few minutes.
Some situations will hit us harder than others, even the seemingly smaller ones. Whatever life throws at you, can you see it as a gift and your greatest teacher? In the words of Maya Angelou:
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
To develop a resilient mindset, cultivate these six habits:
Manage your thoughts.
Embrace connection.
Cultivate a kind mind.
Practice self-remembering.
Master the art of discomfort.
Create a compelling future vision.
Here's to the gift in all our lessons,
Warm wishes
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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