by Lori Milner
Have you ever made a judgement about someone and then only later found out they were actually a great person, and you had more in common than you think? What if it's the same with change? What if instead of making judgements and accusations about change, you got to know it better? What if you realised it actually brought you a gift, but you were so busy avoiding it that you didn't stop to notice or even say thank you? Now, you know that you can't literally bump into change at a party. But you know change is coming, and sometimes it's voluntary.
Here are some quotes from some of the best change experts and coaches to help you reframe your attitude to change and even welcome it when it next arrives:
"Change is inevitable; growth is optional" – April Rinne.
You get two kinds of people. Someone who says they have fifteen years of experience or someone who has one year that they have repeated fifteen times.
A barrier to embracing the unknown is the fear of failure or making a mistake. It's not if we will make a mistake but when. We are human, and it's inevitable. The point is to learn from it, drop the story and move ahead with the wisdom it brought you so you can face the next change with grace.
Beth Kempton, author of Wabi Sabi, provides some insightful questions to mine for growth in previous failures or mistakes. These questions help you integrate the lessons to ensure history doesn't repeat itself.
What happened?
What made you consider it a failure?
How did you feel about it when it happened?
Were you sufficiently prepared at the time?
What were the external factors at play?
Did you listen to your intuition? What was it telling you?
Faced with the same situation in future, what would you do differently?
How can you re-evaluate this failure with a growth reframe, or through a lens of grace?
What has changed as a result of the experience?
What do you need to do now to move on from it?
To move ahead, have compassion for the previous version of yourself, who did the best they could with the resources and knowledge they had at the time.
"What looks like resistance is often a lack of clarity" – Dan and Chip Heath.
When change arrives unexpectedly or not, it takes away our greatest comfort – the known.
The fear and discomfort show up when you need to walk a new path but don't necessarily know the route yet or fear the 'booby traps' on the new path that you need to defend yourself against.
Sometimes, it's not possible to know the entire path, but navigating change with resilience and courage means creating certainty where you can and focusing on what you can influence.
Shift your focus to what will remain the same in the situation. If there is a new team or leadership structure and you fear what it means for you, where can you find certainty in the situation?
Creating clarity could mean reaching out to leaders who have a better view and seek the information you need to feel more secure in the situation.
Rather than resist the change, ask yourself, what do you need to feel certain in the situation?
When you lack clarity in the external world, create clarity in your inner world. You can find clarity in your thinking and beliefs about the situation, creating self-care routines and rituals that you can control.
Even your self-talk is a way to create clarity because it's choosing the narrative that you always figure things out and you trust whatever is happening is there for your growth.
You can always choose to find clarity in the belief that life is happening for you and not to you.
"Slow down to speed up" – Rich Litvin.
In times of challenge and change, we tend to speed up and default to doing more to provide a pseudo sense of control.
Navigating change and uncertainty often requires the opposite approach. April Rinne, author of Flux, says that "when we learn to slow down, the outcomes are better across the board: wiser decisions, less stress, greater resilience, improved health, a stronger connection with our emotions and intuition, presence, focus, and clarity of purpose.
Paradoxically, slowing down gives us more time, which leads to less anxiety". Here are some reflection questions from Flux to help you slow down to speed up:
When something takes longer than expected, do you tend to feel agitated, or do you appreciate the delay?
In which areas of your life do you feel that you're running too fast?
When did the pressure to run faster begin? Did you notice it at the time?
From whom or where does your "need for speed" come? Are you driving yourself to run faster, or are others driving you?
What are your typical coping mechanisms? Which ones have been most useful? Which ones need help?
If you slowed down enough to shift your attention, what do you think you would discover?
"Where are you pursuing comfort when what's called for is a little discomfort?" – Oliver Burkeman.
Exposure is the antidote to anxiety.
The way to navigate change and uncertainty is ironically to pursue it but in a safe and controlled way.
How can you create comfort challenges for yourself or seek new experiences that allow you to practice uncertainty and slowly build up your courage and resilience muscles so that when the change does arrive uninvited, you are ready?
Comfort challenges could be posting an article on LinkedIn or writing for a site like Medium.com, where you don't necessarily know the audience, but the act of shipping your work is where the real fear lies.
Can you post the article with no attachment to the outcome – it doesn't matter who reads it or who comments. You are building the courage to be seen. Similarly, you could share your insights at the next meeting, which you may have held back previously.
If you're really stressed, create a comfort challenge of not opening your laptop after hours or even doing a few minutes of mindful breathing in the morning. It will feel like you are doing 'nothing' but notice when you get triggered and embrace the discomfort of those feelings. You'll start to realise the benefits of stillness and not resist it but actively build it into the day.
You don't have to make tsunami-size changes in your life; little stone throws are adequate. The effects will ripple beyond the one small action and create big waves of courage.
Final thoughts.
One of the best pieces of advice my late dad gave me was to observe without judgment. Human beings judge. Whether it's right or wrong, it's reality.
What he taught me is to observe the person with curiosity and hold back any judgment because everyone is living a story you know nothing about. With experience, I have found that when I judge someone, the same situation would occur for me, and I had to humbly thank the universe for the lesson.
Observation with judgement is a gift that can improve your interpersonal relationships. This can equally be a gift to improve your relationship with change.
When it next shows up, observe it without judgement.
Don't place a label on a situation that it's good or bad. It just is. Instead:
Find the growth opportunity in the situation and integrate the learnings.
Create clarity by focusing on what you can influence and what stays the same.
Slow down to speed up. Create more spacious thinking.
Create comfort challenges to actively pursue discomfort.
The ultimate goal is to make friends with change. When they arrive, embrace them with a warm hug and thank them for the gift.
Here's to the constant of change,
Warm wishes,
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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