by Lori Milner

Anxiety is an emotion, not a character flaw. When you find yourself anxious, it is due to a series of choices that result in a state of anxiety. If you can follow the breadcrumbs of how you created it, then you can begin to unravel it.

Four factors contribute to our state known as the Triad as created by personal development expert Tony Robbins:

Physiology – what you do with your body.
Focus – what you focus on and where you place your attention.
Language – the habitual words or phrases to describe the situation.
Meaning – the word you attach to your experience becomes your experience.

Consider this example: John has to present a report to his boss, and it's really important as it contributes significantly to his KPI. John finds himself in a terribly anxious state before he goes into the meeting. Here's why:

Physiology: John is breathing very shallowly, tapping his foot incessantly in the chair, and his arms are folded tight shut.
Focus: John is focusing on the fact that he never met targets last month and that he needs to figure out how he's going to pay for the new car with the baby on the way.
Language: John repeats how terrified he is about the meeting and thinks that he can never be successful in this role. He tells himself that he's a failure and an imposter.
Meaning: John tells himself that the future of his career rests in this presentation and that his boss is probably going to fire him today. It means it's the end for him.

Can you guess why John is an anxious mess?

Now, on the other side of the building is Jill. Jill is also having her performance review today and is feeling quite upbeat, although she is still a little nervous. Let's unpack why:

Physiology: Jill is practising deep belly breaths to neutralise the adrenaline in her body. She is smiling and walking into the meeting with her head high and her shoulders back in an open and relaxed stance.
Focus: Jill is focusing on how prepared she is for this meeting. This is an opportunity for her to share her wins with her boss and discuss the team's improvements.
Language: Jill tells herself she is excited about the meeting and open to constructive feedback on how she can improve.
Meaning: Jill sees this as the next stepping stone to her career growth, and this is the opportunity for her boss to learn about her career growth plans. It means she's moving in the right direction; it's all on the way.

This sounds oversimplified, but it's reality.

How can you use this formula to create insights out of your anxiety? The next time you feel this emotion put it under the microscope of the Triad and start to dissect where your anxiety stems from.

Physiology:

What are you doing with your body, and how can you use your body to change state? If you are feeling stressed, move, go for a walk or get out into nature. Emotion is created by motion.

If you can't leave the meeting room, then use your breath to change your state. Take some deep belly breaths or box breathing to slow down your shallow breathing. Examples are inhaling for two counts, holding for two counts, exhaling for two counts, and holding for two counts.

You can then increase the frequency to four counts if you're ready to.

Pay attention to the usual tension points in your body, such as your shoulders or neck. If your shoulders are tensed, bring awareness to them and gently roll them back and forward to release the tension. Another common tension trap is the jaw. Notice if you need to release this tension.

Even music is a way to change state; if you're in an open-plan office, then stick in your headphones and crank up the song, which is going to get you into a peak state. Maybe it's classical music to calm you down. The point is that you can shift state with your body alone.

Focus:

What you focus on, you feel. Anxiety is triggered by focusing on the external elements you cannot control, like someone's response or how a situation is going to go. Or you are focusing on trying to control and predict the future. Here are some things to consider when you feel anxious:

Are you focusing on what's missing or what you have with gratitude?
Are you focusing on what you cannot control or what you can?
Are you focusing on what you will lose or what you stand to gain?
Are you focusing on how the other person will react to your conversation and what could happen?
Are you focusing on the fact that they may be upset, bringing that fear into the present moment, and starting to live it as if?
Are you anticipating a worst-case scenarios or a painful process? Let's say you want to study further but fear what the consequences could be. Are you focusing on the time you will lose and the sacrifices you need to make? Or can you focus on what this could mean for you and your career once you complete it?

This is why questions are the best way to change your focus.

What if your greatest setback is your greatest set-up?

Language:

We have habitual patterns of language we use in our daily lives. When someone asks how you are, do you default to saying, 'I'm stressed, exhausted, or on the verge of burnout?' These words create biochemical reactions in the body, which escalate a stress response.

What are some more empowering words you can use? As soon as you attach a label to your experience, it becomes the experience. Some people describe everything as humiliating or a nightmare.

When clients describe their situation as feeling stuck, I ask them to replace stuck with uncertain. Stuck feels permanent and claustrophobic, but uncertainty can be unravelled and is not permanent.

We also have phrases we use to hypnotise us into anxiety – consider:

This is impossible
Things never work out for me
I'll never get it done
This is too much for me
I can't cope with this

It may feel like that in the moment, but these phrases will continuously trigger anxiety. Consider these alternatives:

Here is the biggest insight: When you feel anxious, don't ask yourself why you are feeling anxious. Instead, ask yourself:

What thought am I having that is creating the emotion of anxiety?

When you can get to the root thought, you can replace it with a better one.

Meaning:

The three elements of physiology, focus, and language combine to form a meaning. A situation is what it is; as soon as you label it, you change your state.

Let's say you send someone a WhatsApp message, and you can see they read it. Now it's three hours later, and they still haven't replied. What meaning do you give it?

Most likely, they are ignoring me, they don't take me seriously, and they are doing this on purpose! Now, when you eventually speak to them, they probably tell you they were stuck in a meeting, or there was a crisis, and they couldn't check their phone.

When you told yourself you were being ignored, it was real, and you felt sadness, anger, or rejection.

When you feel anxious, ask yourself what meaning you have given to the situation and if it's true or your interpretation of the situation. Then, ask yourself to come up with three alternative meanings.

Here's a real example: we are getting a new puppy soon, and we don't have any pets. Now, of course, I am excited about it; it's my son's dream come true, but to be honest, I started getting such anxiety over this puppy.

When I put my Triad under the microscope, I had attached a meaning that I was going to lose my freedom. It meant I would lose control of my routine and how I like things done.

Now, this may seem extreme, but it was real for me. I'm not going to be the mom and wife I want to be if I'm flooding the house with anxiety over the new arrival.

I've changed my focus from what I am losing to what I am gaining and what the family will gain.

Rather than use words like I'm dreading the potty training phase, I'm embracing it and know it's not permanent.

The meaning is that this is a real gift for my kids and I am grateful I get to do this for them. It's also a good lesson to push me out of my comfort zone and embrace change and uncertainty.

Now, this may sound trivial – how can you get stressed over a puppy? Well, think about what other meanings you give to situations and how they can totally shift your state.

If you see the world through the lens that no one appreciates you or takes you seriously, then notice how often it's the meaning you give to people's actions. Or worse, you tell yourself the meaning is that this person can't be trusted or that you will never progress or reach your goals.

Self-awareness is the ultimate goal.

The more you can make the invisible visible, the more you can begin to change and create the states you want and let go of the ones you don't.

I'm not saying that you should always live in a state of joy and happiness when life throws some curve balls or someone upsets you. But you can choose how to interpret the situation to create a better state in which you can navigate it.

I have worked with clients where we have created Triads for specific situations like big presentations and then named them so they can call on this state when they need it most. In this way, you can choose how you want to show up rather than leaving it to your default responses.

Final thoughts.

Emotions are data, not directives. They reveal precious insights.

Anxiety is also not to be avoided completely; it's a wonderful alert system to make sure you are staying on top of things and being prepared with the right actions.

It's when the anxiety moves to unhealthy levels and almost begins to paralyse you that you need to be aware of.

The next time you feel too anxious, get curious:

What am I doing with my body? How can I use my body to change my state?
What am I focusing on? Is this serving me?
What words or phrases am I using? Do I need to replace them with better alternatives?
What does it mean? Is this an empowering or disempowering meaning?

Achieving personal growth doesn't mean you won't get anxious, but it means you will notice it quicker and make different choices to alleviate the effects of anxiety.

Here's to creating a more empowering triad.

Warm wishes,

Lori

Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.