by Lori Milner
Consider your relationship to willpower. It isn't a trusted friend who's always there for you; willpower is the scapegoat you blame when you hit snooze for the 7th time. When you blame, you lose control and a sense of power over the situation. So, if you can't count on willpower to make the changes you want, what can you count on? You need a reason to want to keep your promises to yourself, not only on the good days but on the days you don't feel like it. Especially the days you don't feel like it!
Here are the real tools you can depend on to help you keep the promises you make to yourself.
True behaviour change is identity change
What are some of the labels you use to describe yourself? Are you lazy, a procrastinator, an introvert, or shy? Your mind is always eavesdropping; if you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them.
The strongest force of the human condition is the need to stay consistent with how we define ourselves. If you call yourself a procrastinator, completing work on time feels contradictory to who you say you are.
If you're a workaholic, taking time off for rest goes against who you think you need to be.
Both cases have a destructive outcome, so deciding who you want to be is the starting point.
Consider this statement:
I'm the kind of person who…
Shows up on time? Considers other people's feelings? Responds rather than reacts? Listens to understand rather than to win?
Now, create a set of rituals and habits that align with this new identity.
If you want to be more present in conversations, introduce a ritual of taking a deep breath and pausing before you respond. You can also create an anchor word such as patient, calm or bold before you enter a situation to remind you who you want to be.
What do you value?
Knowing your highest values is another way to live in alignment with what matters most to you. Let's say you have been offered a new job, but the role entails longer hours and no flexibility in remote work; your highest values are family and freedom – Will this be a good choice for you?
Ask yourself these questions from Dr. John Demartini to help you define your highest values:
What do you fill your primary personal or professional space with most?
How do you spend your energy most, and what energises you most?
How do you spend your money?
Where are you most organised and ordered?
Where are you most reliable, disciplined, and focused?
What do you inwardly think about most?
What do you visualise and then realise most?
What do you talk about most to others in social settings?
What inspires you most?
What is common to those individuals, insights, experiences, or events that have inspired you the most?
What are your most consistent long-term goals that are already coming true?
What do you love learning, reading, studying, or listening about the most?
If you value health and energy – what needs to happen for you to live in alignment? You are living your highest values when you get up for the run, drink the water or choose the healthier option on the menu.
When you must decide between hitting the snooze button and getting up, scrolling the socials for another hour, or reading a book you have been neglecting – what will be the driving force?
You can connect back to your values, and you'll know what to do, but it won't feel like a sacrifice this time.
Value the parts of yourself you have disowned
Now that you know your highest values, you'll probably find there is a set of values you approve of, and one set you know is there but may not give the respect and airtime it deserves.
One of my clients Lebo had a passion and real talent for interior design even though she's in the finance world by profession. She came to me frustrated that she wasn't making progress on her side business and didn't know how to get it going even though she's talented and passionate about the work.
Although she loves the creative side of this skill, she has an inner conflict. How can a successful finance person also be a skilled creative designer? What if people judged her or thought less of her?
Once we unpacked this insight, she realised that not giving this passion airtime was not allowing her essence to shine. She wasn't being authentic and put it off because she wouldn't allow herself to take it seriously.
Consider what stands out for you. What do you love but may feel a contradiction in who you think you should be versus who you are at your core? Or are you more worried about how others will perceive you?
How can you schedule time for this value without an attachment to the outcome? Perhaps it is unrelated to work but brings you joy; this is reason enough.
Willpower has nothing to do with it.
Value future you
Consider how you have grown from the version of yourself ten years ago. Now, consider who you are going to be in ten years.
When you can view the present version of you and your future self as two different people, you will never need to use willpower again.
Every decision you make today has a profound impact on future you and sets the trajectory for their health, relationships, finances, and their whole world.
Rather than rely on willpower to make the right choice, ask yourself, what would future me want me to do right now? In the same way, ask yourself – What would future me wish I said no to this week, this month or this year?
I know when I am putting off writing because 'I don't feel like it', I always remind myself that my future self would be so grateful if I got the work done ahead of schedule, and I do it.
To accelerate future you, it means that the you of today needs to be authentic to their needs even if it means experiencing temporary discomfort. For example, if you aspire to a higher role requiring public speaking, you must put yourself out there now to improve. How can you set your future self-up for success if you avoid discomfort?
When you value your future self over instant gratification, willpower will become a word of the past.
Final thoughts
To progress on your goals, remember this mantra – decide who you want to be and prove it to yourself with micro wins.
If you want to be fitter, every time you do a ten-minute walk, that's a micro-win. It is the evidence that you are in alignment with who you want to be.
The missing piece is to celebrate that win. You reinforce the habit loop by bringing an elevated emotion to the right action. You can celebrate your victory by a physical gesture like patting yourself on the back or saying encouraging words.
It's not just celebrating your win for the sake of it; this is how you incorporate it into your new identity. You internalise the win so it becomes part of who you are now.
Fake it till you make it is a delusion, but proving to yourself with evidence creates sustainable behaviour change, no matter how small the action.
Now, there will be days when you fall back on willpower, which lets you down. We are all human, and it's normal. Rather than beat yourself up about it, you should notice what triggered you and then ask yourself what is the next right action and then do it.
You can ask yourself what you value more or what your future self would want you to do; when this is the foundation of your decisions, you will always know the next right action.
Here's to living by design, not default,
Warm wishes,
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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