by Lori Milner
Personal mastery is not a destination; it is a lifelong journey. It isn't one sweeping action that creates mastery; it's more like subtle brush strokes that bring the masterpiece together over time. It's not always new actions that bring about change but a new perspective. This palette of personal mastery advice comes from author Tony Robbins who continues to inspire me on my journey. Dip your brush in and see which resonates with you:
The quality of your life is directly proportional to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably manage.
We don't fear the unknown as much as we fear the loss of the known. Author Tim Ferriss says success is measured by the amount of uncomfortable conversations you're willing to have and the amount of uncomfortable actions you're willing to take.
If you want to grow and challenge yourself, you must be comfortable with the discomfort required. Anytime you try something new or step into a new role, there is a period where you will feel uncountable because you don't like feeling out of your depth.
You are proficient in every other area of your life, and this newness makes you question your abilities; it affects your confidence, and then you label yourself an imposter when all you're doing is spreading your wings.
Discomfort is the path to growth; you can't be comfortable and grow simultaneously.
Are you willing to endure the discomfort of doing things differently to get the desired results? The feeling is not permanent; you will get 'there' with time. Your main frustration is that you want to get 'there' now without having to feel uncertain.
Your biography is not your destiny unless you choose to live there.
Tony had an abusive and difficult childhood, but this has not held him back from creating the success he has today. Your past doesn't determine your present and future unless you keep reliving it and staying trapped by it.
I am not minimising anyone's experience, but rather than feeling it has held you back, how can you find a more empowering meaning? Who are you today because of your past?
What traits have you developed because of your parents or because you never had things handed to you on a silver platter?
Did they make you more determined, stronger, or more resilient? Do you have a more compassionate lens to parenting because you never had the parents you wished you could or should have?
Use your past as a gift by taking the lessons and letting go of the story. How can you make your mess your message?
When you can see that your past has happened for you rather than to you, you will approach challenges with a new lens and create a more empowering future.
Problems need energy to live.
Think about something worrying you: how much time, energy and attention goes into this challenge and anticipating a worst-case scenario that hasn't materialised yet?
Perhaps you have overcome an illness, and now you worry about whether it may return. The more energy you put into something, the more oxygen you give it to live and grow.
If your inner critic is your biggest problem, how much energy are you pouring into this negative voice? Your inner critic is like a toddler; if you indulge in a tantrum, it gets louder because you reward negative behaviour. If you ignore the child, it figures out pretty quickly this strategy isn't working.
In the same way, turn down the volume of your inner critic and don't feed it with attention. Ignore it long enough, and your inner cheerleader will feel safe to come out and lead again.
You'll always be in pain when you try to be something you're not.
Do you know someone who behaves in a certain way because they feel it is who they should be? Do you act in a particular way to uphold an image you think is appropriate to your career or the kind of people you aspire to hang out with?
Even at work, are you trying to show up in a specific way or emulate another person you think does something well? You will be in pain if you try to be anyone else but your authentic self.
Holding back from speaking up in a meeting is equally painful because you withhold who you truly are. You are censoring your ideas, thoughts and views for fear of judgment.
Bring your whole self to work and be your full self in your personal life, and you will discover a new level of joy and energy.
As Oscar Wilde says, 'Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken'.
Focus on what you want, not what you don't want.
When you are in anger, fear, resentment, anxiety or sadness, ask yourself, 'What am I focusing on?'. You will probably find you are focusing on what is missing or what you may lose.
Most people resist changing their lifestyle even though their goal is weight loss. Why? They focus on the foods they will lose or the time they will lose to working out rather than the energy and vitality they will gain.
When you focus on what you want - the desired body or energy level- you will create more empowering feelings like joy, excitement and courage.
Some people fear investing in relationships because they focus on losing resources of time and energy. If you focus on what you will gain, it changes the situation. If you are holding back from having an important conversation, focus on what you will gain from it and consider the cost of inaction.
The ultimate tool to change focus is gratitude because it automatically shifts your mind to what resources you have available rather than what is missing.
You feel what you focus on. You will feel hopeless and anxious when you focus on what is missing. When you focus on what you will gain, you will feel excited, enthusiastic and hopeful.
If you aren't happy with something, change your perception or procedure.
If you can't change a situation, you always have control over changing your perception or procedure.
If you're frustrated because you aren't showing up in your calendar, change your procedure. Can you shift when you start your workday or wake up earlier to make space for yourself?
If you believe success is measured by how many hours you grind through in a day, it's time to change your perception of success.
Maybe you are always under pressure because you view asking for help as burdening others. What if you changed your perception to seeing strength in vulnerability and seeing it as a form of courage?
Whatever the situation appears to be, remember that you always have autonomy over how you choose to view it and respond to it.
Final thoughts.
As you read through these points, ask yourself which resonates most with you and which triggers you the most.
The starting point for personal mastery is to start with the one that creates the most resistance because herein lies your growth.
Why is it causing resistance, and where has this shown up for you?
If you don't feel triggered by any in particular, pick one and commit to one new behaviour this month.
Maybe it's trying to focus on what you want or finding a new process for a situation troubling you. It doesn't matter where you start or how small, but find one new action you can do differently to set change in motion.
This is your masterpiece; you can decide what stays and what goes.
Here's to the journey of personal mastery,
Warm wishes
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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