by Lori Milner
It's astounding how four simple words can simultaneously create so much anxiety, fear, excitement, and intrigue… What do you want? Most people don't know what they want because they have not spent time reflecting. Or they're too fearful of saying it out loud because what if it's wrong? Or they don't know what they want because they base their needs on what others want. Why does it matter knowing what you want? How do you know what to say no to without knowing what you are saying yes to first?
In my 'Own your Time' workshops, the question I get most is how to say no and set boundaries. My answer is that the key to developing your no muscle is to start by developing the yes muscle and begin by saying yes to what is important to you.
When you know what you want and what matters to you, you can own your no without guilt. You may know this logically and probably think it's easier said than done, but…
Consider intention vs impact.
Consider this scenario: you've planned your week and blocked out time to work on your tasks. When the slot shows up, you give this time away to someone else's request and figure you'll work on your stuff tonight. Sound familiar? Repeat this consecutively, and you can't understand why you're on the verge of burnout, exhausted, and have lost your spark. Your intention is pure; you want to add value, but the impact is that you put your needs behind everyone else's. The more you practice the habit of people pleasing and sacrificing your goals for theirs, the more it becomes an ingrained habit and harder to interrupt the pattern. It's so second nature that when you even consider saying no or putting your work goal first, you are inundated with anxiety, guilt and feeling like you've done something wrong.
The way to interrupt the pattern is by remembering what matters to you.
· Do you want to achieve greater mastery in your craft?
· Do you want to be promoted with more responsibility?
· Do you want greater levels of energy?
· Do you want to feel more energised, grateful and content?
· Do you want to spend more time with friends and family?
· Do you want to get back to your hobbies and creative pursuits?
Pick one goal that matters and block out time in the calendar to work on it.
When you're about to default to saying yes to others, ask yourself if you need to say yes to yourself first. I'm not saying don't help other people; I'm saying manage expectations and get better at keeping the promises you make to yourself. They don't know you blocked that time for you; they didn't ask you to give it away. That's a choice. When you honour your work and know why it's important, you can own your yes. Clarity enables you to work on your tasks with enthusiasm, not guilt. Have you ever considered the consequences of giving away your yes?
Exhaustion is the enemy of excellence. It's often the first thing to go from your schedule - the paddle game, the gym session or the meditation slot. Rather than focus on saying no to others and feeling bad, say yes to yourself. What if you cared more about letting yourself down? How would that shift things for you?
Over-commitment is the enemy of excellence.
What about saying yes to raising the standards for yourself and others? Most of my clients complain of being over-committed and needing more time for their tasks and work. When I dig a little deeper, it's because they are saying yes to accepting work that isn't up to scratch and figuring it's quicker for them to do it properly. Firstly, you prevent this person from growing and taking ownership of their work and accountability. Secondly, you are building resentment and depleting your internal battery. Say yes to pushing back and explain what needs to happen with clarity and compassion. Being a leader is being able to guide them without doing the work for them. If you always tie your kid's shoelaces, eventually, they'll rely on you rather than bother to learn.
What could you make progress on if you got these precious hours back into your diary?
Replace FOMO with JOMO. Another way we become over-committed is when we say yes for fear of missing out. Let's say someone invites you to an event in two months on the weekend; when you check your calendar, it's available, so you figure you may as well say yes because it's empty, and you don't have a valid excuse. Before you know it, two months are here, and you're kicking yourself for not saying no when you had the chance. Your frustration quietly leaks out as resentment and irritation when you think about everything you could be doing that brings you joy. Next time, focus on JOMO - the joy of missing out. I'm so happy I'm not at the event because I get to spend time with my family friends, gardening, or whatever fills your cup. Value the space for yourself; you don't need an excuse to say no. Say no to busy work and say yes to your life's work.
Sometimes, saying yes to distractions is easier than saying no. Knowing what you want gives you the courage to say no to mindless distractions like social media, procrastination and endless surfing. Distractions are an escape, an excuse to avoid the hard work where you're challenged and uncomfortable and could meet failure. When you say yes to discomfort, you're saying yes to growth in your goals and are closer to what you want to create for your life.
Final thoughts.
It all begins with a simple question – what do you want? Then, it's about choice management. Each time you have a block of time, you have the opportunity to say yes to yourself.
Will you choose to say no to comfort and yes to challenge?
Will you choose JOMO over FOMO?
Will you choose your life's work over busy work?
Will you choose self-remembering over self-forgetting?
When you focus on what you want and place yourself higher on your priority list, you'll say yes to yourself with excitement and have the strength to own your no.
Here's to building your yes muscle,
Warm wishes,
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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