by Lori Milner
If you don't have a 'pause' button, you're probably a Striver. We associate being a Striver with a badge of honour. It's linked with traits like being a high achiever, disciplined, organised, and successful. It's the mark of the go-getter and having it all together. These superpowers may have led to our success, but as with anything, there is a shadow side.
As Strivers, we're caught in the net of trying to control everything; we don't put ourselves first in the calendar, if at all; we're chased by the clock, we're constantly on the treadmill to somewhere, we're stuck in a pattern of doing and measure our self-worth by external factors like work achievements, titles, money and status. Added to that, we're terrified that if we slow down, we'll completely lose our edge. No wonder we're so anxious!
Although it can be great to be a Striver, the result is what Marilynne Robinson calls, Joyless Urgency. Life is about ticking items off a to-do list, and although you feel productive, it is done with a constant feeling that the next minute is going to be better than the one in front of you.
What if you could extract all the positive Type A traits within you, release all the habits that no longer serve you, sharpen your edge, and embrace a happier, fuller version of yourself… a self that still dreams and achieves but gets there unfrazzled and entirely unhurried?
Here are some new habits that are kinder, more empowering, and conducive to growth:
Practice contentment
When I challenge my clients to practice contentment, I usually get a terrified, dear-in-the-headlights look. Some say they have never thought of it, and some are just plain fearful because 'if I am content where I am, it means I'll become complacent'.
If you follow this pattern of thinking, consider that you can strive forward to make progress toward your goals AND be happy at the same time. Contentment means pausing and acknowledging that you are probably living your best life but haven't stopped to enjoy or appreciate it.
Gratitude reciprocates; you have to be grateful for what you have now for more to come through. If you take for granted your success and achievements, how will you know when you have finally arrived?
Have you ever stopped to consider what you are waiting for? What will it take for you to feel content?
Savouring
Strivers are constantly looking ahead to the next thing. If you're on holiday, do you think about planning the next one while there?
If you're out for dinner, do you really enjoy the experience, or are you focused on getting the perfect photo to post? There was evidence you were there, but were you truly there?
Savouring is a practice of slowing down and enjoying the moment rather than expecting the next one to be better.
It inserts a mental and physical pause button to extract all the positive emotions from the experience. It's being able to stop and take a mental photograph of the experience to put into your core memory bank, like in Disney's movie Inside Out.
Do you inhale your food to get through it so you can continue working? What if you mindfully decided to really taste each bite and enjoy it? I'm not saying you should do this for every meal, but at least once a day, stop, look around, and appreciate the moment.
Savouring allows you to appreciate the simple moments like putting your child to bed rather than trying to skip pages in their bedtime story so you can get back to work (we've all done it!).
Savouring is about interrupting the joyless urgency and pressing pause to look around you and appreciate what you have created for yourself so you can take it in and insert joy into the seemingly mundane moments.
Internalise your wins
Similar to savouring, internalising your wins is a crucial habit for a striver. It's not enough to acknowledge your achievements; you must internalise them as part of your identity.
The more you internalise your success, the less you will feel like an imposter because it's who you are now.
I have many clients who feel like children in their parents' work clothes, even when they're walking into executive meetings. If you still feel like the intern who started, you will always feel inadequate and, therefore, feel the need to chase harder and push continually.
Stop and internalise who you are and where you are, and give yourself the gift of acknowledgement.
From this place, you will be unstoppable for whatever comes next.
Find joy in the process
Strivers create joyless urgency when they only focus on getting 'there'—whatever that looks like for you. Is it a title, a salary, a degree, or just to arrive at the end of the month?
Of course, the outcome matters, but if you don't find joy in the day-to-day process, then you will always feel unsatisfied. The point of a goal is to challenge you; it's not something to be feared or avoided.
Ask a bodybuilder how they build their muscles—they push against incredible resistance. In the same way, the process is how you grow and improve.
Rather than feel your success is based on the achievement, reframe the goal to who you are becoming on the way. How is the process shaping you so that when you do arrive, you are worthy and equal to that goal? The goal, in and of itself, won't do that for you.
Investigate your blueprint
We all have a blueprint of how we think life is supposed to be, and when our reality doesn't match our blueprint, we get frustrated. If you're frustrated that you aren't where you are supposed to be, consider your blueprint.
When did you create this blueprint? What stage of life were you in? Based on your blueprint, you have three choices:
Blame external factors for why you are not there yet, but blaming takes away your power and sense of control.
Create a new blueprint that matches your present-day circumstances – Is the current one out of date and unrealistic?
Take action – if you aren't where you want to be, what action needs to happen to propel you forward? Have you been procrastinating on your goals, and that's why you haven't made progress? What’s one small thing you can do today to begin?
Trust in the timing
The biggest cause of joyless urgency is trying to make life bend to your timing plan. What if you could trust in the timing and see a bigger picture? What if you didn't get the project or promotion, but it allowed you time to focus on other areas of your life? How did it happen for you?
What if life is exactly how it's meant to be? You need to let go of trying to control it. I'm not saying don't take action; I'm saying accept reality as it is and find the best use of your energy apart from trying to control things you have zero control over.
Control is the greatest illusion. Focus on what you can control, and you will strive satisfied.
What season are you in?
Expecting flowers to blossom in winter is a futile exercise. That's obvious, right? Why would you ever do that?
Consider where you have this same level of expectations in your own life. To strive satisfied, you need to acknowledge and accept the season you are in for that period. Beth Kempton, author of Wabi Sabi, puts it beautifully:
"Acceptance is not about giving up or giving in. It's about surrendering to the truth of what is happening and then playing an active role in deciding what happens next. For example, if you are sick, it's about recognising that you are sick, accepting that you are not at full capacity, permitting yourself to slow down in order to heal and asking for help when you need it rather than powering on through. Surrendering to the truth of suffering in any area of your life allows you to proactively decide your next steps with clarity, compassion and a degree of ease."
Surrender is not about giving up; it's about accepting that you can only do what you can with the resources you have.
The situation will change; it is not permanent. Allow yourself to recover in whatever form necessary, and know that, like nature, the seasons change, and what you can accomplish will ebb and flow with that.
Final thoughts.
If you want to move from joyless urgency to an unhurried life while achieving your goals on the way, this is your permission device.
Permission to slow down.
Permission to create a new version of success.
Permission to live by design rather than by default.
Our patterns and habits are like railway tracks in the mind; we can't uproot the track, but we can build over it and move along the new track.
And even if we go back down the old track from time to time, we now have a new awareness of it and can course correct it with a lens of self-compassion rather than judgement.
Here are the habits to cultivate to get 'there' in a kinder and more energised way:
Practice contentment.
Savouring.
Internalise your wins.
Find joy in the process.
·nvestigate your blueprint.
Trust in the timing.
What season are you in?
Here's to striving satisfied.
Warm wishes,
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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