by Lori Milner
What does stillness mean to you? For most high achievers, it ironically creates a sense of anxiety because there is a belief that stillness equals stagnation. What if you replaced the word stillness with self-reflection, a strategic pause or personal mastery? What if I could convince you that stillness is the key to your success rather than something that prevents you from your goals? It's what master life coach Rich Litvin says, 'slow down to speed up’.
Here are three reasons why taking a few minutes throughout your day to observe yourself and insert a mental pause button will give you the edge in your work and personal life. In the profound words of Viktor Frankl:
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
Stillness develops your self-awareness.
Self-awareness is the ultimate meta-habit for your success, especially regarding your people skills. Dealing with conflict effectively begins with honesty. And the first person you've got to be honest with is yourself because sometimes the most difficult person to deal with in a conflict is yourself.
If there is a pattern of conflict in your life, you need to ask yourself if it could be you. Are you the common denominator?
It may even be something as simple as your body language. Whatever it is, it's essential to be open to the possibility that the source of your conflicts may stem from something you're doing (or not doing).
If you're serious about your career success, now may be the time to take a hard look in the mirror. Spend some quiet time thinking about the following:
· What kind of personality do I bring to the table?
· Do I respond defensively to criticism?
· Do I have a constant need to be right?
· Am I always in a hurry to get the job done?
· Is it always the fault of someone else?
· Do I tend to judge someone without the facts?
Once you can identify your blind spots, you can consciously work on them and plan for the conversation.
You can't control how the person will react, but you can bring intentionality to the words you choose, your tone of voice and the timing of the conversation.
Stillness allows you the space to insert a mental pause button to listen and respond mindfully rather than react. Think back to when you received a rude email or message. Did you respond immediately in anger and still regret the response to this day? You are not the only one.
Stillness allows you the space to pause and slow down. As taking up space is a power move with body language, slowing down in high-pressure moments is equally powerful.
It's not a weakness to pause. It is about creating space to drop the emotional charge and respond from a neutral state where you can speak to the facts assertively rather than blame aggressively.
The next time you get triggered by a snotty email, could you write the response and save it in your drafts? Come back to it the following morning, and I am sure you will be ready to press delete.
Stillness facilitates intention.
Most of us race from one meeting to the next on autopilot. What if you spent a few minutes setting your intention for how you would like to show up? Here are some things to consider from Brendon Burchard's book, High-Performance Habits:
· Before you went into your last meeting, did you think about how you wanted to interact with each person in the meeting?
· Before your last phone call, did you think about the tone you would use with the other person?
· On your last night out with your partner or friends, did you set an intention for the energy you wanted to create?
· When dealing with that last conflict, did you think about your values and how you wanted to come across to the other person when you talked to them?
· Do you actively think about how to be a better listener, how to generate positive emotions with others, and how you can be a good role model?
This reflection time can take up to a few minutes, but the minor tweaks yield the highest rewards.
Here is a simple ritual I use to set my intention daily:
• Before I log off for the day, I look at my calendar for the following day and set an alarm to go off 10 minutes before each meeting or appointment.
• I often forget about the alarm, which triggers me into the present moment. In this space, I take a breath and decide in advance how I want to show up:
• What skill do I want to demonstrate?
• How can I be a better leader in this upcoming situation?
• What will the other person need from me?
• How can I be more present for this person?
What if you don't have time between meetings?
Even if you log in from one meeting to the next, you can always insert a deep breath and set your intention before launching into it. You can focus on one word like patience, presence, empathy or calm.
This is a powerful tool when you know you have to have a difficult conversation or when speaking to someone you know will trigger you.
It's not about how much time you have available; it's developing the habit of self-awareness so you can consciously decide who you want to be, not reacting to your environment.
Stillness generates productivity.
Do you ever think, 'I wish I had time to think?'. Scheduling time for planning and thinking is your most incredible time management tool.
By spending thirty minutes planning, you will save hours that would have been spent worrying, rushing at the last minute and existing in an anxious headspace.
Here are some simple checkpoints to maximise your planning session:
• Look at your calendar for the month ahead and identify your significant projects and deliverables.
• Define what done and doing look like. Done could be a management pack or a five-slide presentation, and doing means you need to get specific information from key people.
• Now work backwards and schedule in your diary when you will contact this person and when you need to follow up. Schedule your deliverables and when you will commit to working on them.
• When planning, identify what are the bottlenecks in the process. How could you minimise them, and what steps can you implement to ensure a smooth delivery?
• What do you spend most of your time doing? Are you focusing on busy work or your life's work?
• Are you losing time to people pleasing? How can you create stricter boundaries? How can you manage expectations?
• Who leaves you in a lastminute.com scenario – how can you plan and help them think ahead?
• Have you left open space in your calendar for emergencies around the project's due date?
Ask yourself, 'what would I like to produce this week?' Then schedule blocks of time to make it a reality.
The more time you can spend in stillness working on future planning and prevention, the less time you will spend procrastinating and firefighting.
Stillness is not about sitting on the floor in meditation (although I recommend you do this, too); it is about creating mental space to enjoy your tasks by creating physical space around them.
When you spend time planning, you create days you love, not days you want to escape from.
Final thought.
Lao Tzu said, "At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are, and you know what you want.".
What happens when you don't know? This is why you ask everyone else for their advice: you want someone to agree with you before you take action.
When you don't know what to do or how to approach a situation, you can get still until you do know. The answer will never be found in a book or another course.
A few moments of silence or journaling to spend time with your thoughts is your most successful tool.
You hear your inner wisdom in the stillness, the little whisper guiding you on what to do. Sometimes it seems too simple, but when you pay attention and trust your inner guidance, you will build confidence and trust in yourself.
Ann Lamott said, 'My mind is like a bad neighbourhood; I try not to go there alone'. If you don't go there alone, you will never honestly know yourself.
You don't have to go for long, but I suggest you visit often, so it becomes a familiar place of trust and knowing. This is where you will always find what you are looking for.
Here's to embracing stillness,
Warm wishes,
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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