by Lori Milner
Change is inevitable; it's the only constant. The question is, how comfortable are you with feeling uncomfortable? Consider that uncertainty came naturally to you in your twenties; you craved it. Very rarely did you plan your Saturday nights, the spontaneity of not knowing where you would land up was half the fun.
The more you move through the life stage of your thirties and above, the more you crave certainty, stability and structure because you are now living with more responsibility. Often you move to the extreme side of certainty and find the loss of the known terrifying.
It's not that you aren't an exciting person anymore; with the change of life stage comes a shift in values. What mattered in the old days doesn't match what you value now, and that's ok!
To continue to grow and evolve, you need to find your way back to the middle path and find harmony between sitting in uncertainty and wanting to control and predict your external world.
The only way to your courage zone is to cross the bridge of discomfort. It's facing your fears of being judged, not being perfect, failing and being an imposter.
Think about something you would love to do but have been putting off; it's currently sitting on your 'someday' list. Here are some practices you can adopt to help you lead yourself through uncertainty:
Create a compelling future vision.
If you got to the stage of your career that you dream about – what would that look like? Can you now zoom into your perfect day and describe what you are doing, what you are wearing, how you are feeling, who you are having dinner with and where your next holiday is planned?
The more clarity you have about the future you want to create, the more you accept that discomfort is your ticket to get there.
This means that 'current you' needs to behave in alignment with your future self's goals and visions. When you want to hit snooze and sleep another twenty minutes, imagine 'future you' wishing you would get up because they want to feel more energised in the day.
When you create a bigger future, you bring meaning and purpose to the present. Uncertainty is not something to be feared; it is something to be embraced. What do you do when fear wins?
Create a mental screensaver of your ideal future moment - it could be seeing your book on the best seller list in Exclusive Books, winning a specific award or sporting race or seeing yourself addressing a room of leaders and receiving a standing ovation.
When self-doubt and fear creep in, remind yourself what you are working towards by visiting that mental screen saver and taking action.
Engage in deliberate practice.
The only way to create certainty in yourself and your ability is through deliberate practice. Let's take a skill that terrifies most people – public speaking. This is a vital skill for you to master, irrespective of your industry or title.
If you have been tasked with a presentation, rather than imagine the worst-case scenario of forgetting your facts or placing the future of your career on this fifteen-minute talk, schedule time in your calendar for deliberate practice.
Rehearse your presentation out loud to yourself, so you become comfortable with the content and timing. You can even film yourself to watch the non-verbal and strange body movements you make with your hands that you are unaware of.
The more you rehearse something, the less your mind interferes, and you can be more present in the moment. Deliberate practice is something no one can take away from you. If you put in the time, you will see the results. The more prepared you are for something, the more confident you become.
You can also nominate yourself for every opportunity to present or speak, even in your team meeting. That initial terror subsides because you suffer more in imagination than in reality. Go through the discomfort enough times so you can prove to yourself that you can do it.
Eventually, you will drop the emotional charge towards public speaking, which becomes another task you can do effortlessly.
Change your relationship to uncertainty.
Rather than fear the unknown, how can you make friends with it? Rather than try and control it, how can you accept it's part of your growth?
“All change is hard at first, messy in the middle and so gorgeous at the end.” - Robin Sharma
Think about the job you're in now. In the beginning, you were filled with fear and just wanted to be in a position of confidence and knowing. Only through experience and going through the discomfort of figuring it out could you get there.
To thrive in your role, you had to sit in the uncertainty until it became familiar.
What if you could see fear as your compass? What if the feeling that comes up when new opportunities arise is the way forward? It's your body signalling to you – this is where you need to go next because it's where your next level of growth lies. If you want to make your future self a reality, follow the fear and embrace discomfort.
Exposure is the antidote to anxiety.
When you think about raising your hand to share an idea, start a new hobby, or pick up a camera for the first time - whatever it is for you - the only way through the discomfort is to show yourself you can do it.
Do the first lesson, put up your hand, write the first draft, and create the first line of code - it's never going to be worse than what you imagined.
If you're nervous about walking into a gym on your own or doing a yoga class, show up. It's the not doing and not starting that escalates your anxiety.
Shift your thinking from 'what if I mess it up or don't know what to do?' to 'what if I get it right and it changes my life?'
If you want to start an exercise practice in the morning but have never woken up early, the story in your mind prevents you from starting this ritual. You imagine how exhausted you will feel if you wake up an hour earlier and tell yourself you could never get through the day.
There is a difference between the fact and the story you create around the fact. Set your alarm to go off thirty minutes earlier, and then get up and do what you committed to.
It's 6 am - end of story! Not it's 6 am, and I don't feel like it, so I'll hit snooze and give myself another twenty minutes because I have a big presentation today.
It won't feel easy initially, it may take a few days or even a few weeks to get used to this new routine, but every time you do it, you drop the anxiety attached to it.
When you keep your promises to yourself, your confidence is already up a notch. When you get up to do the walk and show yourself that waking up earlier isn't a big deal and you feel better than expected, that's how you change and navigate uncertainty.
Micro wins are the antidote to inaction.
When you think about your goal, you are most likely thinking too big, amplifying feelings of discomfort, anxiety and uncertainty.
You cannot control the end result, but you can control taking action one micro win at a time. A micro win is the first Lego brick of the creation; it's a ten-minute walk towards your goal of getting fitter.
If you're avoiding the presentation, you're panicking about how you will create a 25-slide document. The way forward is to think in micro wins by starting with slide one. What's one bullet point for slide one? Or could you think about the three key messages for your talk and start there?
If you want to read a book, can you start with one paragraph? The paragraph is the micro win; if you complete the page, that's the bonus.
If you're studying, can you watch the first 15 minutes of the video? You'll be amazed at what you can achieve in a fifteen- or twenty-minute pocket of time so long as it's done consistently. The power of micro wins is that they create momentum. Once you've started, you feel better because it's the not starting that reinforces the story and keeps you paralysed.
When you let go of the story that you need an hour to begin, you can do the most challenging part, which ironically is starting. Each win creates a trajectory of positive reinforcement and momentum; before you know it, you're in the courage zone and have achieved your goal.
Micro wins will always be the antidote to inaction because courage supersedes confidence; you must show yourself you can do something.
Final thoughts.
Discomfort and uncertainty exist because you want to control and predict the entire journey, which is impossible. No matter the external circumstances, you can lead yourself through uncertainty by creating certainty in yourself.
You create certainty in yourself with experience, evidence and good self-talk.
When did you last experience challenges and setbacks? How did you handle them? What would you do differently knowing what you know now?
What wins are you most proud of in the last five years? Have you been able to acknowledge them and how far you have come? Reflecting on your past achievements creates the evidence you need to navigate the next chapter. You have shown yourself you can do it even when you don't know how.
The day you believe in your ability to figure things out and believe in yourself is the day your life changes. You don't need to know the exact steps to completion, but you know you have the resources.
Navigating uncertainty is never easy, but it does get easier if you trust the process and know that the discomfort goes away with time. In the words of entrepreneur and author Tim Ferriss:
“Success is measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations you’re willing to have and the number of uncomfortable actions you’re willing to take.”
Here's to embracing the unknown,
Warm wishes
Lori
Lori Milner is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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