by Lori Milner: author, entrepreneur, thought leader and founder of Beyond the Dress
A habit is something we do every day that becomes automatic, we do it without thinking. For example, brushing our teeth, making a coffee as we get out of bed, even worrying is a habit we adopt.
There is a lot of research and different views on how long it takes to create a habit. Some say 21 days, others suggest 66 days. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits put it so perfectly when he said ‘Habits are not a finish line to be crossed but a lifestyle to be lived’. You don’t ever get to a point where you stop doing the action in question, then you would lose the habit. Instead, it forms a part of your daily routine, your lifestyle but it goes one level deeper. It starts to become part of your identity.
Many people begin the process of changing their habits by focusing on what they want to achieve. This leads to outcome based habits for example, I want to run a marathon. The alternative is to build identity based habits. With this approach, we start by focusing on who we wish to become. In the same example, I wish to become a runner. I wish to become someone who is reliable and consistent.
I share James Clear’s sentiments that the effect of one-off experiences tends to fade away while the effect of habits gets reinforced with time, which means your habits contribute most of the evidence that shapes your identity. In this way, the process of building habits is actually the process of becoming yourself.
True behaviour change is identity change. You might start a habit because of motivation, but the only reason you’ll stick with one is that it becomes part of your identity.
Anyone can convince themselves to visit the gym or eat healthy once or twice, but if you don’t shift the belief behind the behaviour, then it is hard to stick with long-term changes.
The goal is not to read a book, the goal is to become a reader. The goal is not to run a marathon, the goal is to become a runner. The goal is not to learn an instrument, the goal is to become a musician.
You are simply acting like the type of person you already believe yourself to be. The most practical way to change who you are is to change what you do to become who you want to be. Each time you write a page, you are a writer.
Now – the trick is to close the gap between knowing what we want to do and actually converting those wants into solid actions that become our habits.
We don’t lack motivation, we lack clarity. We haven’t decided exactly when and where this new activity is going to take place. The best way forward is to create an implementation intention. It looks like this:
I will {Perform this behaviour} at {This time} in {This location}.
I will meditate for one minute at 7am in my kitchen.
Now – schedule this into your calendar and don’t forget that the most powerful habit we can master is the habit of showing up to ourselves.
Here’s to becoming the best version of yourself,
Warm wishes
Lori
LORI MILNER is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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